When Your Child's Behaviour Makes You Feel Frightened or Unsafe
Understanding Child and Adolescent Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA)
Most families experience arguments from time to time. Growing up can be difficult, and children and teenagers can sometimes become angry, frustrated or upset.
However, some families experience behaviour that goes beyond normal disagreements.
Child and Adolescent Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA) is when a child or teenager’s behaviour makes a parent, carer or other family member feel frightened, controlled or unsafe. This behaviour may happen regularly and can affect family life, relationships and wellbeing.
CAPVA can happen in any family and is more common than many people realise.
What is CAPVA?
CAPVA is any behaviour by a child or young person that causes a parent or carer to feel:
- Frightened.
- Controlled.
- Intimidated.
- Unsafe.
The behaviour may involve:
- Physical violence.
- Threats.
- Emotional abuse.
- Damage to property.
- Taking money or belongings.
- Controlling behaviour.
Children and teenagers can sometimes get angry, but CAPVA is different because the behaviour becomes frightening, controlling or repeated over time.
What Might CAPVA Look Like?
Examples may include:
- Hitting, kicking or pushing.
- Throwing objects.
- Damaging doors, walls or belongings.
- Shouting or swearing.
- Threatening family members.
- Taking money without permission.
- Controlling other people in the home.
- Making family members feel they have to “walk on eggshells”.
Some parents describe feeling constantly anxious about how their child might react.
Signs Your Family May Need Extra Support
You may notice:
- Arguments happening more often.
- Feeling frightened of your child’s reactions.
- Avoiding saying “no” because of what might happen.
- Changing your behaviour to avoid conflict.
- Damage being caused at home.
- Younger brothers or sisters becoming upset or frightened.
- Family members feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
- The whole family changing routines because of one child’s behaviour.
If any of these sound familiar, help is available.
Looking Beyond the Behaviour
There is no single reason why CAPVA happens.
Some children and young people may be struggling with:
- Difficult feelings.
- Anxiety.
- Low mood.
- Trauma.
- Bereavement.
- Bullying.
- Family difficulties.
- Autism or ADHD.
- Difficulties managing emotions.
- Problems with friendships or relationships.
Understanding what is causing the behaviour can help children and families get the right support.
This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it can help identify what needs to change.
It Is Not Your Fault
Many parents and carers blame themselves.
It is important to remember:
- CAPVA can happen in any family.
- Asking for help is not a sign of failure.
- You are not alone.
- Support is available.
Families often tell us they wish they had asked for help sooner.
How Can I Support My Child?
Stay Calm
Try not to respond with shouting or anger if possible.
If things feel unsafe, move away and focus on keeping everyone safe.
Talk At a Calm Time
Choose a time when everyone is settled.
Try phrases such as:
- “I want to understand how you are feeling.”
- “I’m worried about what happened earlier.”
- “Let’s talk when we’re both calmer.”
Be Clear About Boundaries
Children need clear, consistent boundaries.
It is okay to explain:
- What behaviour is not acceptable.
- Why people need to feel safe.
- What you expect to happen instead.
Focus On Feelings
Try to understand what may be happening underneath the behaviour.
Ask gentle questions such as:
- “How have things been recently?”
- “Is anything worrying you?”
- “How can I help?”
Are Other Children Being Affected?
Sometimes brothers, sisters and other family members can also be affected by CAPVA.
Children may:
- Feel worried.
- Become withdrawn.
- Avoid being at home.
- Feel frightened by arguments.
- Try to keep the peace within the family.
If other children are being affected, it is important to seek support.
What Can I Do If I Feel Unsafe?
Your safety matters.
If behaviour becomes frightening or violent:
- Move to a safe space if possible.
- Keep a mobile phone accessible.
- Avoid rooms where objects could be used to cause harm.
- Have emergency contact numbers available.
- Call 999 if anyone is in immediate danger.
Professionals can help families create safety plans if required.
When Should I Ask For Help?
Ask for support if:
- You feel frightened by your child’s behaviour.
- Violence or threats are happening.
- Property is being damaged.
- You are changing your behaviour because of fear.
- Arguments are becoming more frequent or more serious.
- Family life feels increasingly difficult to manage.
You do not need to wait for a crisis.
Early support can make a big difference.
Help and Support Available in South Tyneside
SURT (Stopping Unsafe Relationships Together)
SURT supports young people aged 11-24 and their families where relationships have become unhealthy, controlling or abusive.
SURT can help young people:
- Understand their feelings.
- Build healthier relationships.
- Improve communication.
- Reduce harmful behaviour.
- Rebuild confidence.
Family Hubs
Family Hubs provide support with:
- Parenting.
- Family relationships.
- Emotional wellbeing.
- Behaviour difficulties.
- Accessing local services.
Telephone: 0800 783 4645
Children’s Mental Health Services
Some children and young people displaying harmful behaviour may also benefit from emotional wellbeing or mental health support.
Support is available through:
- Healthy Minds.
- Children’s and Young People’s Mental Health Services (CYPS).
- Schools and colleges.
- Family Hubs.
Domestic Abuse Support
Local domestic abuse services can offer support where family members are experiencing abuse or feel unsafe.
National Support
NSPCC Helpline
Confidential advice for parents and carers.
Telephone: 0808 800 5000
Respect
Information and support for families experiencing CAPVA.
Childline
Support for children and young people struggling with emotions, behaviour or relationships.
Telephone: 0800 1111
Worried About a Child?
If you are worried that a child is unsafe or at risk of harm:
South Tyneside Children and Families Social Care
Telephone: 0191 424 5010
Out of Hours: 0191 456 2093
Report a Concern About a Child
Emergency
Call 999 if anyone is in immediate danger.
Key Message
If your child’s behaviour is making you feel frightened, controlled or unsafe, you are not alone and support is available. Asking for help is not a sign of failure. It is a positive step towards improving relationships, reducing conflict and helping everyone in the family feel safe, supported and understood.